I was trying to find some silence and solitude this week. We joined a small group exploring spiritual practices and this month is a combination of silence and solitude (which are really two separate practices but I understand why they are frequently combined).
I’ve never before been so aware of how noisy life is! At 10:30 at night I sat in my basement trying to quiet my mind and focus on God. Immediately the upstairs dishwasher began to run. Then the basement dehumidifier to my right kicked on, then the one in the garage to my left began to cycle.
I took a few more deep breaths and then I heard the sound of my 15 year old, still awake, thumping down the hall and the sound of multiple doors opening and closing, loudly.
I may have, in my mind, prayed the words “Lord, are you kidding me?”
Honestly the whole thing felt like a disaster. Except that when I began, I deliberately decided to have no goal or agenda. My goal was to show up.
I didn’t expect God to speak. I expected my mind would race and wander. I knew there would be interruptions (though my choice of 10:30 PM in the basement had been supposed to mitigate them as much as possible.)
Why is it so hard to find silence?
Even now as I write this, I’m sitting alone in the waiting room while my child is at therapy. There is background radio music. The receptionist coughs periodically and goes outside for a cigarette. Therapists meander in and out and talk to each other. A dog (I have to presume a therapy dog or one belonging to the staff) wanders in to give me a sniff and a wag before going back into the front office again. The sound of cars and trucks going by on the busy road outside filters in through the windows. Underneath it all is the whirr of the a/c despite the temperate weather.
I once read that we don’t spend time in silence to hear God in the silence. We spend time in silence as training for hearing God in the daily chaos. I can honestly say that I rarely hear God in times of silence. Maybe I will get better at quieting my mind and having fewer racing thoughts. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I just keep showing up with my caffeinated squirrel brain (as Kendra Adachi puts it). Maybe the point is not to show up perfect or to even improve. It’s possible I could do this for weeks, months or even years and never get any better at it. So what?
I’m not sure the point of spiritual practices is to have another thing to check off our list or another challenge to conquer. There are no awards or accolades except becoming more like Jesus and the joy of seeing that positively impact the people and places around us. Not because we are so great but because God is.
I invite you to keep showing up. Show up with patience even when it doesn’t last long. Show up with love, even when you don’t feel like you can. Show up with forgiveness even when the person involved doesn’t deserve it. Show up with grace when you’d rather be judgy. Show up with mercy even when you are owed justice.
Keep seeking the silence that seems so impossible to find. May you find you hear his whispers through all the noise and chaos.
His yoke is easy and his burden is light.
(Full disclosure: I did actually write this in around 5 minutes but it wasn’t today. It was earlier this week when I had a rare moment of clarity and it seemed especially appropriate for today’s theme at Five Minute Friday.)
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