Grace to Trust Him More

“Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus . . .” The words of the hymn struck me as though I was hearing them for the first time as I stood there in church. I was in my last trimester of pregnancy and things were so overwhelming. It had been a long and difficult pregnancy from spotting and severe nausea in the first trimester to extreme back pain and fatigue in the second and third.

“How would you feel about using that hymn for our son’s dedication?” I asked my husband in the car on the way home. I know it seemed silly, since our son wasn’t even born yet. He said it sounded good to him.

Two months later, I lay in a darkened labor and delivery room at four in the morning after a difficult 19 hour ordeal. We weren’t being moved to our room yet because of some clots and my passing out a few times. The baby had been taken to the nursery and I was encouraged to rest, having been awake for more than 24 hours at this point.

My husband dozed on the recliner next to me but I couldn’t sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I felt like my throat was closing up. Every time I dozed off for a second I dreamed I was in labor again. Finally I began to hum to myself. Not sure where the tune came from, even that small amount of noise was painful on my throat, sore and raw from the moaning and then screaming through the natural delivery I hadn’t exactly planned on. But I didn’t know what else to do.

I was so tired I don’t know if I actually formed words and tried to sing, but the words swept through my mind even as the cracked and sour notes came.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

There was much uncertainty and fear but in that moment I did the only thing I knew to do, I reminded myself of the truth.

It wasn’t some grand moment of great faith. Just the tiny bit of strength I had left clinging to my Rock and trying to believe that things would get better.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been less than four weeks since that early morning. Not much has gone the way I expected. School work has been slow, my children have fought what feels like constantly. I have fallen painfully behind on the blog series I planned, simple as it was.

My house has experienced the constant coming and going of workmen as the bathroom renovation we started before the baby arrived has run overtime and over budget. I’ve had plenty of moments of discouragement and even despair.

But today I’m choosing to remind myself of those same words on truth.

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.