Honoring My Capacity

I aspire to be an underachiever. Ok, that’s a lie. Actually it’s not, it’s a wish. Because I’ve been someone who doesn’t easily do less or just good enough.

Most of my life (especially in my professional life), I’ve tried to constantly prove myself. It probably started with getting a good grades as a kid. Some part of me recognized that I couldn’t make other kids like me but if I did well in school and was well behaved then adults would like me.

In my early years of college, I had a brief window where I gave myself permission to try new things and not have to be perfect. (Which resulted in two Bs that then tanked my GPA for the rest of my college experience).

Then I graduated and hit the job market during a recession. Any job I could get, I needed to keep. So I worked harder than everyone else. I tried to anticipate needs so I could meet them before anyone else even realized they were needs.

Some of this is my wiring. I’ve come to embrace that God made me to look ahead and see potential obstacles so I can prepare for them. Now in my forties I finally see this as a positive trait (though not everyone else sees in that way).

But I still couldn’t stop trying to prove I was good enough or valuable enough.

It’s exhausting feeling like you are never allowed to be tired, to have a bad day to be anything less than stellar at any task or project. My very wise husband pointed out that if you always work at full capacity then whenever you aren’t able to (which happens to us all at some point) it looks like underachieving. Which isn’t fair but it is the frequent perception.

I’m slowly but painfully learning how to create a manageable pace to my work and my personal life. It’s hard not to feel like I’m always behind and I don’t get the same dopamine hit that comes from high efficiency accomplishments. But I have been resting more, breathing more, and setting better boundaries.

I’ve been giving myself permission to delay answering non-urgent emails or texts. Leaning into rest and allowing myself to just be rather than always do.

It means trusting God that he has me in the right job and when it’s time for me to move on, he’ll provide the next one. It means believing that caring for my body through less rushing and more rest is ultimately better for me and my long term capacity. Because (as I often say), I want to be strong and healthy enough to live the life I want and do the work God has called me to do.

Sometimes that means honoring my capacity (or lack there of) today, so that I do it again tomorrow.