Submission is such an important concept to teach to our children.
A kid friendly definition of submission is giving love, care and respect to God and others.
I am so grateful that I also decided to look at this topic from a kid-friendly perspective because it helped to make some things clear to me.
Jesus was more serious than I think we realize when he said we should come to him like children. Complicated processes and theologies can often be better understood through the eyes of a child. Click To TweetVernie Schorr Love wrote a lovely book with the very self-explanatory title Spiritual Disciplines for Children: A Guide to a Deeper Spiritual Life for You and Your Children.
“The practice of the spiritual discipline of submission enables the choice to let God be in control of thoughts, words, decisions, relationships, attitudes, character, and conduct. It enables a willingness to choose to let another person led.”
“The real issues of submission are the beliefs that we are loved by God and belong to Him and the attitudes of care, consideration, and respect we have for God and one another.
In other words, to the degree that we truly believe God is for us, intimately involved in our circumstances and actively working on our behalf, we will be free from the need to have our own way.”
If I am asked to do something unlawful or dishonorable, and it makes me uncomfortable, then that is a good thing. Because I shouldn’t be doing that thing, even if someone is urging me to. But if I am being asked to do something that goes against my personal preferences, opinions or that conflicts with my wants or plans, and it makes me feel angry or irritated, then that’s probably a red flag that my own self-will is involved.
“Beliefs drive behavior
Attitudes drive actions”
“Submission does not ask us to give up who we are or lose our personal identity”
This is a simpler way of explaining what I quoted from Foster earlier, that biblical submission when done properly reaffirms our value and our identities, it doesn’t take them away.
Letting others lead or be in control does not mean we can allow ourselves to be taken advantage of or manipulated by them.
“Through mutual submission, we are freed to be who we are meant to be and not who our position demands we be.”
What do you think that statement means?
I think it’s even more profound than we realize. I don’t think we often think much about how our position in life defines us. Our professions, our position in our immediate and extended families, our role in the neighborhood or community; all these elicit certain behaviors from us, both good and bad.
But submission means that we are not required to behave as our position might encourage or demand.
Look for small ways in your daily life to give up your desires and conveniences in favor of those of others. Click To TweetParenting gives us plenty of opportunities to practice this, and family life gives our children the same opportunity. Letting others choose the show to watch, the book to read, the last piece of cake.
I think one of areas I struggle most is not as much in my choices and behaviors themselves, though there a definitely still times I fail, but rather in my manner. Tone and body language do matter.
Even when I am enforcing the rules, that doesn’t mean I get to be irritated or angry. That sounds like a dream right?
When I discipline my children in love, rather than anger, I give up my right to revenge for the ways they have treated me unkindly. Click To TweetWhen your children are small, you feel as though you have to do everything for them. It doesn’t always feel like loving service, it feels like indentured servitude.
I think one of the hardest things to be able to discern as a parent is when I am meant to show my children loving submission and when I’m allowing them to manipulate or take advantage of me.
The flip side is also when am I trying to genuinely instruct them and prepare them the world by not givng them their own way, and when am I simply exercising my power as the adult in the situation to make sure that I get my own way.
After a weary day of tantrums and demands, I may feel as though I deserve that last slice of cake, especially since I’m usually the one who made it, but that is also a good opportunity to teach my children an example of submission and self-sacrifice. But all that is lost if I do it with the wrong attitude.
Just to be clear, I’m not saying you shouldn’t ever have that last slice of cake or that submitting to our children’s will at all costs will lead to healthy and effective parenting practices.
But I am saying, how can our children learn what healthy and loving mutual submission looks like if they don’t see us model it?
I think sometimes I am too defensive and self-protective in my relationships, including those with my children. I feel to need to guard my own needs and desires too closely, for fear that I will become worn out and left behind if I don’t look out for myself.
Well meant positive messages like “take care of you, no one else will” help to reinforce this idea that we don’t really need to give up our own desires in favor of those of others, and that to do so might be potentially unhealthy.
But I refer you back to what we said earlier about the belief that we are loved by God. If we truly believe that, God is for us, and ultimately our carer and provider, then we shouldn’t fear giving up our own way especially in small matters regardless of how important they seem.
Ideas for children to practice submission
As much as I loved Foster chapter on this subject and he so successfully discusses the concept of submission as a whole, I think Love’s book targeting children, is so much more effective in its practical application.
Listen and be polite
Let others use your talents
Obey laws and rules
Be considerate of others’ ideas, attitudes and actions
Consider memorizing sections of 1 Corinthians 13 as a family.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
“Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; 5 it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Choose to be the last in line instead of the leader
Grown-up ways of applying this can include letting others get in line in front of us when we are jockeying for position at the checkout or when driving.
Choose to stop pleading or whining
I do this far more with my children than I would like to admit. Because frankly, it’s easier to nag at them than it is to take action. I’d like to be better about stopping what I am doing to model or enforce the behavior I would like to see instead of just continuing on with my day and resenting their lack of obedience.
This can also work in other relationships. Instead of nagging my spouse or co-worker, I can ask politely and then let the natural consequences of undone work or unpaid bills do the teaching.
Come quickly when called by a parent or trusted adult
This is one I could probably work on as well. I often find myself delaying coming when one of my children call, partially because they call often and seemingly necessarily but also, whether I’m always willing to admit it or not, it’s a way of controlling my time and refusing to submit to their interruption of it.
When my child is genuinely in need of my assistance, frustrating as that may be especially if it’s been the same issue repeatedly throughout the day, this is an opportunity for me lovingly submit my time and schedule for the sake of my love of him or her.
When my daughter wants me to pause my work to show me a project she is proud of, I can put her off and say the classic “In a minute” often forgetting or I can simply pause whatever I am doing and give my time and attention models to her that I expect the same submission in return when I need her attention to a task or when I want to spend time with her.
The same method can hold true in any relationship.
How often do we make others wait, not because what we are doing is truly important but because we resent being interrupted?
How often do I hold my attention to technology as more important than my relationship with the person trying to get my attention?
Practice using polite words and avoid rudeness or name-calling
Yikes, I think a lot of grownups need this too! While we do try to model politeness in our house, name-calling is a real struggle. What started out as pet names or expressions of frustration from parents can quickly merge into a kind of name-calling without us realizing it.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“You are such a nutcase!”
“Why are you being so crazy?”
Are all phrases that are used way too often at my house and something I’d like to work on. My children obviously need to learn when their behavior is appropriate and when it is not, but it doesn’t help them if I use negative words aimed at them in the process.
I can use submission in my words by choosing loving and kind language, even when I’m not feeling particularly kind.
I think we can all find ways to use more polite words with everyone in our lives.
This is the fourth in a series of blog posts about the discipline of submission. While some of the sentiments feel especially appropriate and convicting right now, I actually wrote this over a year ago as a teacher for our church’s Wednesday night adult class. Bear with me as I figure out how to best share this important area for growth that the majority of us need in our spiritual lives. You can find the first, second and third posts, here and here, and here.
Love this definition of submission, “A kid friendly definition of submission is giving love, care and respect to God and others.”
I think it is good for an adult defnition as well!
Parenting teaches us so much, doesn’t it?