This last part of the year seems to be flying by and I’m finding myself with a rare Saturday without somewhere concrete to be. (I have my usual to-do list just nowhere to appear at a specific time).

I love a good Saturday with nowhere to be or go but it’s rare especially as the fall schedule gets into full swing and the holidays quickly approach. In general, we are a family that prefers a slower, relaxed pace of life so we struggle in these kinds of seasons.

Loved

Fall weather! While I don’t like the progressive darkness of fall, I love the crisp, cooler weather and really enjoy being outside this time of year. My job involves less time outside than in the past so I’m trying to make a point to get away from my desk and enjoy the sunny, breezy days, even if it’s just for a few minutes a day.

I’ve been joining the teachers at school outside during recess and soaking up that extra Vitamin D (and the occasional sunburn on the sliver of exposed skin where my jacket was unzipped.)

We’ve been trying to fit in some family walks as well before it gets too dark in the early evening. There is something in me that just wants to store up the joy that these kinds of days bring before winter comes.

Photo by Amaury Gutierrez on Unsplash

Gleaned

There was a prayer conference at our church the last weekend of September/first weekend of October. We only managed to make it to one evening session, and if I’m honest, it didn’t go very well. Mostly because it was the end of a long school/work day and the night before another long school/work day. The logistics were difficult and it was in no way kid friendly. But, the main speaker said something about prayer that I found very helpful. He said that God is pleased with our attempts at prayer no matter how beginner they are.

It reminded me of a favorite quote by Thomas Merton.

“We do not want to be beginners [at prayer]. but let us be convinced of the fact that we will never be anything but beginners, all our life!”

The speaker said prayer should be short, biblical, and said with authority. (He absolutely acknowledged that there are other ways to pray but this is where he lives most of the time).

I keep coming back to this a lot lately. Sometimes prayer can feel like some kind of endurance sport. I look at intercessors the way I do marathon runners. They are amazing and what they do is admirable, but also feels totally unattainable. It was helpful to be reminded that God is pleased with my meager, beginner attempts.

Braved

I feel like I’m just repeating myself these days, but sometimes just getting through the week feels like I’m braving the wilderness. Things continue to be pretty rocky around here. Our fall groove is still bumpy and uneven. Plenty of big feelings to go around. I feel as though I’m in constant motion, either mentally or physically and, at times, I think I’ll just drop.

New therapists for the kids, insurance changes, new doctors because of the insurance changes. Making long overdue appointments for myself and the kids and then actually getting to all those appointments. It feels like it will never slow down.

My anxiety has been pretty high as well which is usually a sign that I’m doing too much. But I can’t seem to figure out what to change to deal with it.

But I’m trying to just take it one day at a time. (I know, totally cliche but also the only thing I can do right now).
Sometimes being brave doesn’t mean facing a huge obstacle. It just means you keep showing up, every day to fight the same small battles again and again.

Achieved

After almost a full month of not writing, I’m trying to slowly get back at it. It’s easy to feel like my work is futile. I feel like I’ll never finish this book or that someone else will tell the story better sooner. Someone who doesn’t homeschool three kids with complicated issues and work a job. Someone more disciplined, single-minded, and driven than I seem capable of being.

But I’m just trying to keep going. I could weep when I think about the finished manuscript of my Lenten devotional that still needs heavy editing before it will ever be available for publication.

This is the time of year when I remember how long ago it was that I finally indie-published my Advent devotional and feel sad that I didn’t market it better. I see how little blogging I’ve done in the last two years and it makes me want to quit writing altogether.

Then I write a few new scenes of my novel and share them with my writer’s group. I remember how it feels to let the words pour out and try to satisfy myself with forward progress slow as it may be.