Work for It: Marriage at the 15 Year Mark

Can I tell you a secret? Marriage isn’t always easy. Now if you are married yourself that probably isn’t much of a surprise. I always knew going into it that marriage would require work. But until I had children, especially when we added a second and then a third child to our family, I don’t think I could fully appreciate the kind of work that would be necessary.

Yesterday was my 15th wedding anniversary. That seems like such a long time, nearly half my life, and yet not that long compared to couples I see ahead of us. The first ten years went by at a leisurely pace, during which time we moved multiple times, weathered multiple job losses, bought our first house and had our first two children. My husband also suffered one major and a few minor relapses of his clinical depression and I battled with low level depression consequent to a first child who didn’t sleep and a second child who wouldn’t nurse.

It was a busy time filled with victories and setbacks, but ultimately a I time I can look back on fondly and yet mostly not wish to repeat.

But the last five years have gone by in a blink. Maybe it has something to do with being over thirty, or the fact that we are transitioning to the post-childbearing years of our lives. Or the fact that several things we thought would never happen have occurred just in the last two years. We’ve moved into a new house, after ten years in our last adorable but all-too-grown out of starter home. Even when we thought it was impossible.

My husband transitioned to his first new job in a decade. A better paying job but also a challenging one that takes more than it’s fair share of his energy and mental focus. We’re seeing the light at the end of the tunnel regarding becoming debt free and suddenly our children all seem far too grown up.

I saw a statistic yesterday saying that sex in marriage gets really good between years 16 and 25. This is something lovely to look forward to. Because in a life with three small children, one who until recently had insomnia, that hasn’t always been the most stellar part of our relationship.

As we move forward into this second act of our lives (and my two year old pounds on the door as I write this, a clear signal that I have gone over my 5 minute allotment) it’s time to start putting our marriage at the top of the priority list, rather than somewhere in the middle. I can say that rarely has it fallen off the list entirely, but there have definitely been seasons when it has been neglected. It’s time to emerge from the survival mode of the baby years and make sure we still have something in common besides the little people who fill our days.

I don’t know all the ways to do that, yet. But I look forward to finding out!