I’m here again, dealing with another existential milestone. I’ve stopped calling them crises because that makes it sound acute and temporary. I’ve returned to this one so often, I feel like I should buy property there. Coping with the grief over the loss of a childhood friend is forcing me to deal with some things I’d rather ignore. I shouldn’t even say forcing. The issue is coming up, and I’ve been tempted to shove it back under its rock as I have in the past. My counselor says that there are two ways of dealing with something, avoid it or approach it. But approach is scary, terrifying in fact.
I don’t want to deal with my fear of death. Because death is the one thing I’m not supposed to be afraid of. It’s kind of the hallmark of my faith. Yet my emotions and my brain are compartmentalized on this subject. I can be so very sure, at least intellectually of what I believe eternity holds. But that doesn’t stop the emotion that I associate with it.
Fear of death. It’s not an irrational fear. How does one deal with a fear that is entirely justifiable and understandable? In my more confident moments, I know that when my time comes, hopefully many years from now, that I won’t be afraid and that my Father will hold my hand as I pass through the veil. But it’s all the years between now and then that I worry about.
I don’t want to live with this, I don’t want to have the fear of death hovering over me like a specter, clouding and coloring all of my days. So I must approach it. Just the prospect of this is enough for me to break down in shaking sobs. But I’m trying to be okay with that. Because I know that I want a step-by-step plan for getting over this, but it’s never that easy.
I can’t shake the idea that maybe this isn’t something I’ll ever be able to cope with. But I also know that it is possible for my soul to know some measure of peace in this life. So I must fight for it. Even if the best way to fight is to be still and let the emotions wash over me, knowing the storm will pass and the visibility will be clearer after.
I must fight for it. Even if the best way to fight is to be still and let the emotions wash over me, knowing the storm will pass and the visibility will be clearer after. Click To Tweet
Thank you for your honesty here, dear Bethany. I’m not a fan of change. I think this makes me fear the changes that come when death enters a loved one’s world. It’s never easy. I’m grateful for a God who never changes because sometimes He’s all I have to hang onto.
Blessings ~ Wendy
Oh, Bethany, I feel for you!
Facing death is hard, and sometimes avoiding the thought of it is best…emotional and spiritual strength varies, and one would not try to run a marathon with a torn Achilles, yes?
And please, never feel bad about being a Christian who fears death, because even Christ was afraid!
I suppose I’ve been lucky – I’ve been engaged in lethal work for much of my life, and death was an occupational hazard. Now, facing it through a combination of pancreatic cancer and non-Hodgkins lymphoma, it’s ind of a big yawn. I’ve had near-death experiences, had dead people come to greet me, and I know there’s something beyond this. It just isn’t that big a deal.
Not that I think of Heaven a lot…I work very hard to try to stay alive, because my job’s still here. I am in terrible shape, but I can still serve as a channel of grace, so it would be rather poor policy to do that whilst thinking of something else, somewhere else. This earthly work deserves all I have. The rest will come soon enough.
I will keep you in my prayers, dear heart.
Yes, this exactly. I want “4 easy steps to dealing with grief” but i know there is no such thing.
How much easier, it often seems, to avoid those challenging things – that hover over us like a specter – rather than approach! Good for you – choosing to approach instead. There are definitely lessons in that for all of us.
Death is so hard. But it’s a big piece of life. The ebbs and flows of grace. Resurrection hope! I’m reminded of a favorite quote “Easter says you can put death in the grave but it won’t stay there.”