Forcing Quietness So My Heart Can Hear

We’re in rather an odd season at our house. My husband is still making a difficult transition to a new job. While it is a good job it is also challenging, and not always in the ways that help my husband to thrive.  (He’s one of those people who needs just enough difficulty to keep him interested but not so much that it shuts him down. I am similar that way). My last little one is approaching potty training and now showing no interest. I feel as though I’m standing on the edge of a precipice, virtually dangling over the edge but not being able to begin the slow climb down.

As the school year comes to a close and many of my kids’ activities are finishing up, we’re making some changes in that area as well. New educational choices for the fall are exciting but don’t come without some sense of loss, as I consider leaving groups and ministries in which I have invested years of my life. I don’t just want to fill my life with stuff for the sake of being busy. I’ll admit I’m a little afraid of the void.

Part of motherhood is that things move fast enough that I don’t have to think too hard about certain things. I am someone who enjoys a good debate but there are definitely a few areas that are emotional third rails. If I have too much spare time, I might be forced to deal with these.

I also find that when I am not busy, I feel guilty. The world is filled with causes and pain all of which need to be addressed. For most of my life I have felt guilty for not making a larger impact on the world, so I fill my life with small things, as if to assuage my guilt for not doing “real” work in favor of motherhood.

Not a day goes by that I wonder if I wasn’t a stay at home mom, or homeschooling or even if I just had more normal children would I be able to do something that the culture or even the church sees as important. I’ve always struggled with wanting to check all the boxes, get it all right, all the while doubting every choice.

But what other option do I have? The path of constant prayer and discernment which is the hardest journey. Because it isn’t a dot to dot plan, follow the directions and you’ll get the picture on the box kind of life. It means reevaluating constantly instead of just plowing forward with my own plans.

To accept that there is a will that is higher than my own that leads to peace within my soul and mind, if not always the world around me.  If only I could sit quietly long enough to hear it.