I told myself this year would be different. I would be less stressed out and I’d engage more. But the reality is that while our lives look very different from last year, most things are about the same. I’m realizing how the children’s tendency to ignore or interrupt me is wearing heavily on my nerves. Despite cutting back on the number of holiday activities we are doing, I’m still finding myself struggling to keep up. I’m doing the last of the packing for a much looked forward to visit with friends and family, but I can’t shake the feeling of dread over the how the kids will behave. Will the 8 year old have one of her emotional meltdowns, will she even eat anything but cookies the whole trip? While the five year old be a pest or let his charming side show? Will his ever changing sensory system handle all the noise and transitions? How will the two year old manage without his naps and will we be able to relax at all between keeping the three of them safe and fed?
Maybe the truth is that I’m the one who wants to be different. More confident in my choices as a parent as I field well meaning questions about our kids, their therapies and education. I want to have more to show for myself for the last year than a few extra pounds and the tales of laundry piles tamed and tantrums soothed. My second book still isn’t finished and I have little else with my name on it. Except for these children, these wild and wonderful creatures who suck every last bit of energy from me and yet make me feel insufficient and unnecessary. But they are not my report card. I am not here to report on my progress and submit my yearly budget numbers. I want to feel surrounded by support not smothered by expectation and most of that is on me.
Perhaps that is one of the most beautiful things about the Christmas story itself, that in becoming one of us, Jesus made it possible for us to change. The very act of coming to earth as a human baby brought nobility to the entire human race, enabling us to be different too; not as much on the outside, but where it matters in our hearts and souls. May we all have a different Christmas, one where we recognize our chosenness, embrace the best traits of our humanity and meditate on the birth that led to rebirth for all of us.
“Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new glorious morn
Fall on your knees
O hear the angels’ voices
O night divine”
“My second book still isn’t finished and I have little else with my name on it. Except for these children…” Bethany, my heart broke just a little when I read your words. I’m a 57-year-old mother of 2 and grandmother of 2. I have a degree in interior design but have made very little income from it; most of my expertise is shared as a volunteer on worthy projects. My husband has written multiple books (I’ve edited every one of them), and I’ve envisioned, created, and led many church, ministry, and community events. I’ve blogged since 2010, but no one has picked up my story and featured it in a magazine. I’d love to write a book, but have not yet been led to do so. I’ll admit: there are days I want my name on something. I want recognition for all of the work I’ve done. I’m selfish like that.
But then God turns my focus and reminds me that He’s the one who called my name—and wrote it in heaven. I don’t need this world’s recognition. He’s also the one who gave me precious souls to raise. When my firstborn said, “Mama” for the first time at 6 months, it was all that mattered. And when my grandsons say, “Nonna, I love you,” there is no book jacket (or billboard!) that could compare with hearing my name spoken by those little voices. My prayer is that the example I set for them, the words I share with them, will be their glimpse into God’s heart. I pray He will use me to draw them to him.
“Except for these children…” My prayer is the same for you, Bethany. That you will find peace in the struggle of wanting your name on something. I know that struggle well, and it’s real. Sometimes it’s all-consuming. I’m learning as a mother of adult children that I missed some important opportunities in their growing-up years to listen, to positively impact, because I was distracted. I pray you won’t make the same mistakes I did. I’m praying for you this morning, and I’ll be praying for your special Christmas trip. You’re right: “Jesus made it possible for us to change.” And we’re never to old (or too mired in poor choices) to start. Let’s do it! Let’s both be different in the weeks and years ahead because of the choices we make today. Merry Christmas—and safe travels!
Susan, thank you for your kind and encouraging words. Finding our identity with as mothers and yet also outside of that is a constant struggle as women, and I am reminded again and again that all of this is part of God transforming me into whoever I am becoming. I don’t think I could have fully anticipated how God would use my parenting to refine me. Thanks so much for stopping by.
It’s so easy to let your children’s behavior reflect who you are as a mother. As a mom of a now-teenaged son who was a VERY strong willed toddler/preschooler, let me encourage you to keep on keeping on. It will pay off. 🙂 Also, when my kids were that age, I didn’t have anything with my name on it really, but I have since published 5 books and wrote a column for six years. We have seasons, and just because you haven’t accomplished your dream in this season doesn’t mean you won’t in future seasons. 🙂
Rosanne, thanks so much for the reminder and the encouragement. I’m currently trying to discuss the nature of God with my 8 year old while my 5 year old and 2 year old empty the dishwasher, loudly. There is never a dull moment here, and I know it’s not forever, but a weekend of too much sugar and not enough sleep definitely has us all off our game a bit.