Realism vs. Idealism: Fashioning an Attainable Family Culture

Before I had children, I had an image of what my family would be like.

I would be organized. I would be consistent. I would have lots of time to write and read. My children would help clean up, be sweet, respectful and well behaved.

I wouldn’t yell.

Reality set in really early. My daughter didn’t sleep for a whole year, and nursed every two hours for six months. Then she only slept during the day while I held her.

I got nothing done.

That same sleepless child developed a strong will and resistance to obedience before she was two. I spent a lot of time instructing, yelling and punishing. Two kids later, I still do.

I have two children with their own constellation of diagnoses and one who is three and a half. Our house in never quiet, and often I yell to be heard rather than because I’m actually angry. Sometimes I let things go because I’m too tired to put out another fire, not because I really want to ignore the behavior.

I cannot control the children I get. I have some but not much control over our family circumstances. But I can decide what our family values are and how that will direct my decisions.

I was at a class the other night where we talked about pursuing simplicity as a spiritual discipline. One of the things we discussed was that when you have a life purpose or life values, it makes it easier to simplify our lives.

Parenting doesn’t feel all that simple these days. There are an overwhelming number of choices and none of them seems just right. I’m never confident in my parenting direction and I always wonder if I should have done things differently. But if having values can direct the simplification of my life than I can also use that as a tool in building my family culture.

I’ve never been able to manage to put together one of those attractive family mission or vision statements that I see on Pinterest. But that doesn’t mean that I haven’t thought about it. The hardest part, I find, is separating the ideals for the achievable.

I always imagined I would have a home of peace. But I know now that may not realistic, so I can strive for safety and acceptance. While I would prefer that we always use quiet and kind words, I instead strive for speaking the truth in love. My ideal is a clean home, I will settle for teaching my children the value of having a home that is open to others, no matter its condition.  (The essence of hospitality is making people comfortable. A house that is too filthy fails to do that. But that can also be true of a house that is too well staged and looks unlived in.)

I also believe that through the Holy Spirit I can go further than I am able without God’s help. So I submit my hopes and goals for my family to him and see how he will work in me and in my children. But sometimes we over-spiritualize things that are flexible. God’s will is a big target. There is no one correct way to parent, especially since each child is different, and no ideal model of family life. Our families are broken just a the world is broken. But that doesn’t mean God is not at work in us, and through us. My family culture should reflect that as well.