April was the month that wouldn’t end and here we are in May and it feels sudden somehow. May is usually my favorite month but this year it’s been filled with hard transitions and even harder conversations.
Loved
The school year is just about over! We’ve completed our required days for the state and are now just finishing up our last few read-alouds and audiobooks until our hybrid school lets out for the summer.
The dreaded prep for evaluations is beginning, but I am loving being done. I’m ready for a few calmer days without to-do lists and appointments (ok, who am I kidding? Fewer to-dos and appointments). There is something beautiful about an ending, even if it isn’t particularly strong.
Gleaned
I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’m wired these past couple of months. I’m a personality typing nerd (shout out to all my fellow INFJs). About three or four years ago I discovered the Enneagram. While I know it can be controversial, I’ve so far found it a helpful tool for understanding how I operate and why.
I recently listened to a podcast with Ian Cron and Jana Riese talking about being an Ennegram 1. (I’m a 1w2). There was so much she said that I found relatable. Especially the part about feeling as though you are the only force keeping the world together and sometimes resenting that you can’t seem to relax and just have fun because then who would do everything that needs to be done.
I’ve found myself in jobs and roles where this trait in me is fed, and not always in healthful ways. So I’m spending some time figuring out what it would look like for me to have a place in my life where I’m allowed to just show up, where I can relax without guilt and actually enjoy my life instead of always being the one to make things happen for everyone else.
Braved
I survived the remainder of my boss’s medical leave (Ok, technically that was the end of April but I was still too crazed last month to participate in Share Four Somethings Saturday) and I learned some important things about myself. I can handle a lot, especially with an end date, but something has to give. I can’t check all the boxes all the time. I didn’t overachieve. I dropped balls. I didn’t accomplish everything I would have liked to. But, as my husband keeps saying, I kept the ship afloat. There were a number of small crises, weekly ones it seemed like, and we worked through them. I had the support of our fantastic staff backing me up, and we kept it all running.
I also braved some major changes in my personal life, which I can’t honestly say I handled very well. But, with the help of my husband, I gave myself permission to process some big feelings and even open up to a couple of friends about it, even though everything in me wanted to isolate and hide. I can’t say things are resolved, but I’m finding moments of peace and learning to hold on tight when I find them.
Achieved
For the last year, I’ve worked more hours a week for longer than ever since having my kids. I stepped into a new role and did my best to change and adapt as the job changed through the year including the departure of one colleague and a major medical leave of another.
I educated my kids. Maybe not up to my (admittedly ridiculous and unattainable) standards, but we kept it going. Through me being gone from the house more than usual, to medical and therapy appointments almost every day, through COVID and a major hospitalization. There were times when things lulled and I had to lean into my trust that my kids know how to learn even when they aren’t being directly instructed every minute of the school day. I had to abandon plans that were too audacious i.e. unrealistic, and pivot when things weren’t working. In some ways, it was just another school year, but for me, it was an achievement. I saw my daughter (and even my sons to some extent) find the ability to work independently. We worked a lot on life skills. We still have a long way to go.
My major achievement: we kept everyone alive and relatively healthy and whole through another difficult year. I keep thinking it’s going to get easier. Maybe it doesn’t ever get easier, we just get stronger.
I’ve found the Enneagram to be a helpful tool as well. I find that those who raise concerns about the controversy aren’t presenting an accurate representation. Any tool that allows you to strengthen relationships and clarify your understanding of your gifts and abilities is helpful.
Take a deep breath and go into June with hopeful excitement & anticipation.
Hooray for keeping the ship afloat!! I think you acheived quite a bit – and have reason to pat yourself on the back:) And, hooray for school being done!:) Bring on the summer –
Congratulations on getting through another school year, and on keeping that ship afloat through all the changes and challenges! Those are major accomplishments!
WOW, Bethany, sounds like May was a challenging month, I think you braved so much! As a fellow INFJ and Ennegram 2w1, we share many of the same challenges.
Congratulations on educating your children in the midst of a very challenging time. I homeschooled my kids too and those state evals really pushed my buttons in a bad way!
Here’s to a better June!
I’m also a fan of personality test. I’m an INFJ and a 1w9. 🙂 Hope you are able to get more peace about the changes in your life.
Congratulations on finishing another school year! I homeschooled our children and it is well worth it! About being a planner, I read a great article that you might enjoy: When It Comes to Friendships, It’s OK to Be the Planner
Appreciating this makes it possible to enjoy friendships more by Laura Vanderkam. Congratulations on keeping the ship afloat at work! And woohoo! for staying in peace and being vulnerable with friends. Yes, life skills are just as important as academic skills! And you made it through another school year. Woohoo!
I do think that that we have easier seasons and harder seasons. With the pandemic I would say we all have been in a longer harder season, but this too shall pass. Congratulations on all your achievements.
I appreciate how you summed up your school year with your kids! Every day of homeschooling is an achievement!