In many ways, I found the transition from two to three children fairly easy, at least for the first year or two. Despite having a difficult time with feeding initially our third born is was as easy going as they come. He was a good sleeper and had a cheery disposition. He napped twice a day even from the beginning. He was easy in the car, and loved being in front carrier (and later the back carrier) and the shopping cart.
His the last two years have been mostly spent figuring out how to help his older siblings with their issues, and honestly not that much about him. As the third born, I often say he’s along for the ride. But tomorrow he will be three and I realize that he has become his own person and I have to start seeing him that way.
As my last baby, each phase has been treasured. Each time he hits a milestone, I can’t help thinking this is the last time I’ll nurse a baby, or potty train a toddler. Each time he hugs and kisses me at bedtime I hold extra tight to those chubby arms and hands, knowing these days are numbered.
He’s been terrorizing me lately as I’m trying to homeschool the older children, spend time on my writing or do the necessary work to keep our household running. I’ve been so frustrated with him until I realized, I’ve been treating him like he’s just along for the ride, not like he’s an active and important participant in our days.
I realized that what what my son needs from me isn't that different than what we all need, to feel seen and to know that we matter. Click To Tweet
Here are the ways I’m trying to focus on my son, and better engage in all of my important relationships.
Give My Undivided Attention
This is especially important for children, but I would argue that we need to do this in all our relationships. One of the ways we communicate care and concern for others is by listening to what they have to say. When you look someone in the eye while he or she is talking, it’s harder to remember what you want to say next but easier to listen to what is actually being said.
It feels, awkward, almost intrusive at times. But it also communicates interest and engagement. Put down the phone, and feel free to ignore all those little reminder chimes. Better yet, turn it down or off so you aren’t tempted to split your focus.
If we allow ourselves to be constantly distracted, we will forever prioritize urgency over importance and our relationships will go stale. Click To Tweet
Look for the Good
I love the movie Pollyanna, and one of the timeless truths of that movie is a quote she shares, which had also been a favorite of her father’s. (The quote was attributed to Abraham Lincoln in the movie but was actually written for the movie itself.)
“If you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will.”
It is especially easy to see the bad in the people were are closest to. I can look at my husband and see things he could do to be a better husband, or father. As a parent, it’s basically my job to discipline my children and help them to grow and develop into decent human beings.
If I am not careful I can forget to look for the best in the people I love, and to tell them when I see it. Click To Tweet
Celebrate the Special
It can be easy to fly through life, especially if you feel stuck in survival mode and forget to find ways to celebrate. It’s not about what you do or how much you spend, but that you acknowledge what makes each person special and worth knowing.
My son will be three years old tomorrow. I’m not one for big parties or expensive gifts, and our budget wouldn’t allow for that right now even if I was. But I want him to feel like he matters. (He’s also three so I gave him suggestions rather than a blank check for his special day). I proposed a morning at the local zoo and a trip to a local Italian ice place. He immediately got excited and can’t wait for his birthday tomorrow. He sang to himself about it all the way home from the grocery store.
My in-laws purchased a zoo membership as a gift to my children last Christmas, and the Italian ice is relatively inexpensive. But it will make my son feel special. For once the day will be about him and not one of his siblings. This outing is specifically with him in mind and he won’t just be along for the ride.
We live in a culture that seems to celebrate to excess and yet we still manage to miss the essence of the people we claim to love. Celebration doesn’t have to be about big expenses or impressive experiences. Instead we are reminding the people we love that they matter and we see them.
There are many milestones ahead, but just this once, I want to stand aside, cheer a little bit, and focus on the littlest member of our family. We all need that every now and then, perhaps more so the older we get.
(Full disclosure: this was supposed to be a five minute post but I was inspired enough to go longer. I hope you enjoyed my thoughts, and that they were in the spirit if not the time limit of Five Minute Friday.)
I love this and I am inspired. (I’m also your neighbor over at FMF and I totally have gone long before.) I have had similar experiences of just working to survive with my kids other than seeing them. It is a process for all of us and I love your ideas! Thanks for writing!
It takes constant reminders for me to really connect with my kids. It’s easy just to stay in the trenches focusing on the next thing that needs to be done. But I’m trying to do better.
Happy 3rd birthday to your youngest. You’re right. It’s important to feel loved and valued. I think the zoo and Italian ice sounds divine! I’m over in the 33 spot this week.
Thanks for stopping by! We had a lovely day and he kept singing about his birthday at the zoo. He didn’t care that his cake was from a box or that the plates didn’t match. It was a great day.
Isnt’ it wonderful that none of us are simply “along for the ride”!!?! I love that:)
Yes! I always struggle with trying to make each of my kids feel special and not spoiling them or making them more self-centered then they already are. But, you are right, none of us are just along for the ride in this life, we each have our own joys, direction and journey.
This was so good – thank you, very poignant plus some great advisetherevon connecting with and valuing our little people.
Thanks so much for stopping by. Yes, it can be easy for the littlest ones to get overlooked sometimes. I don’t want to spoil him too much, but I also don’t want him to feel like he always gets the leftovers either.