When The World Feels Too Big, and My Life Feels Too Small

I’ve been thinking a lot about impact lately. The college I graduated from put great focus on doing work with our lives that matters. Of course family life was ok, but the real work to be done was in the world at large. I was inspired by this perspective and yet, I felt limited. I suffered from periods of very high anxiety during the college years as well as some of the years of my early marriage. When I look back I regret some of the opportunities that I passed on because I was afraid. I could barely walk across campus at night without fear, I certainly wasn’t going to do a semester abroad.

I didn’t do many trips into the city, despite being so close to Philadelphia. I participated in the occasional cheesesteak run or preplanned class outing but I spent most of my time studying and I frequently went home on the weekends since my family only lived about an hour from campus.

Now I am a grownup, or some version there of, and I definitely have less anxiety than I used to. But now I am encumbered by offspring who require my regular help. In some ways I am as indispensable as ever and yet I feel even less useful. I see all of the suffering in the world and it seems as though there is nothing I can do, or rather there is too much to be done. I have a small blog with a few dozen regular readers. I am raising three children. I teach 30 creative writing students. I attend a church with 500 members. My potential impact feels very small.

I think sometimes we can get overwhelmed with the big world we live in and it’s big problems. We feel as though we can’t do much and so we don’t do anything. We think that to have a big impact means to strive for personal greatness. Influence is power and most of us feel as though we have little, if any.  I feel guilty that I’m not changing the world is larger ways.

I’m sent the conflicting messages of “Kids are only young once, give them everything you have” and “Don’t let being a mom slow you down. You are still a person, you deserve to follow your dreams.”

We don’t get to decide if our callings in life are big or small. Some people are gifted with flocking power, people listen to what they have to say and naturally follow their lead. While leadership skills can be taught, some people are just born with it. We live in a world that constantly says “Watch me, See Me, I have a voice.” We compete for air time, social media reach and cultural influence. Whoever is loudest wins, whether the message is truthful and edifying or not.

By definition that means some of us are called to small things.  If everyone were a politician, who would be the nurses and social workers? If everyone were the rockstars and professional athletes, who would be the teachers? The cumulative impact of thousands of ordinary people doing thousands of ordinary everyday tasks can compete with that of world leaders. I have a limited run shirt from a favorite ethical shoe company that says “Create a Culture of Kindness.” This is my calling, all of our callings. No matter how big or small your life is, you can change the way you interact with others, through the decisions I make and the causes I support.

When I tell my daughter she is smart and creative, but also beautiful. When I tell my son he is thoughtful and also strong. When I am patience with the checkout clerk who is taking too long. When I encourage my students to tell their stories. When I buy fair trade coffee. When I support local organizations I believe in. I am changing the world.