3 Healthy Ways to Deal with Disappointment (And 2 That Aren’t)

We had some disappointing news this week, involving my husband’s job and our daughter’s health. I’ll be the first to admit I have not always handled disappointment very well in the past.

When I was a child, I remember fuming over a cancelled play date or a rained out picnic. I just couldn’t see ahead to future opportunities and I could only believe what was right in front of me. As a teen and young adult, I had my share of things going wrong, even at the last minute. I rarely reacted in a healthy and mature manner. Sometimes I pouted, other times I got depressed. I comforted myself with food or didn’t eat at all out of some kind of silent protest that punished no one but me.

I like to think that I’ve improved in this area, but last week reminded me how difficult it can be to employ healthy strategies for dealing with disappointment. Here are the three big ones I try to focus on.

Allow Yourself to Grieve, But Set a Limit

It is totally healthy to feel upset, cheated or disappointed when something we were really looking forward to doesn’t happen. When someone else gets chosen for that dream job or a special getaway is canceled due to illness. These things are frustrating and feel so unfair. But don’t let it completely suck you into a negative vortex.

It took us weeks to set up a dinner date with some new friends, and I had to cancel it at the last minute when I was too light headed to stand. I was already upset because of some other bad news we had gotten that week, so I had a good cry.
But I didn’t let it ruin my whole weekend. I watched an episode of a favorite show with my husband, albeit while lying down, and ate leftover brownies together. It wasn’t the night I had in mind, but in the end it wasn’t an awful one either.

Focus on Thankfulness
I know that I talk about gratitude a lot in my posts, mostly because it’s something I’ve struggled with so much over the years. I’ve also shared a bit about the physical and mental health issues our older two children have had.
We had some surprising and disappointing news about our daughter this week. It was already a bit of a blow when she was diagnosed with Celiac, but a least that had a clear solution. Neuropsyche issues are more complicated than that.

It can be very easy for me to focus on what is apparently wrong with our children, instead of what is great about them. I am very prone to seeing their flaws rather than their strengths.  I am trying to remind myself again how grateful I am for my children’s general good health. They are primarily healthy and whole, at least physically, and I don’t want to forget to be thankful for that.

Dance in the Rain
Sometimes there can be a way to turn a negative into a positive. I realize sometimes bad news, is just that, and there is no way to salvage it. But other times it’s all in our perception.

This year I stayed home from church on Mother’s Day with a toddler who had a hacking cough. It was the third Sunday in the last five weeks that I had missed church. It was not the day I had planned, but I got to choose how I wanted to react. My husband was scheduled to minister so he couldn’t stay instead but he was able to bring the older two kids with him.

Instead of wearing the pretty new dress I had been savings, I made some popcorn and cuddled up on the sofa in front of the TV with my fast growing two year old. What could have been another reason to be frustrated with the burden motherhood sometimes places on me became a special time to spend with my youngest child.

Sometimes we can bring something positive out of a situation that doesn’t go according to our plans. This is one of the ways our reactions let us choose the outcome we want. We can’t avoid being disappointed, but we can decide if we want to go up or down from there.

There are also two unhealthy ways of dealing with disappointment. I mention these mostly because these have been my go-to reactions in the past.

Add To the Bitter List

Most of us have a bitter list, the list of injustices we feel we have suffered in life. It can be very tempting to add every disappointment to your list, letting the sense of unfairness consume us until you become embittered at how life has treated you. But the thing about bitterness is that it punishes us. Those around us may not enjoy being around a bitter person, but it doesn’t hurt them.

Refuse Joy
In the early years of our marriage, I wasn’t chosen for a job I really wanted. It was a good job that actually utilized my degree and skills. It felt like it was the solution to so many of our problems. But it didn’t happen. I was devastated. It was long weekend and I spent almost the whole time wallowing in disappointment.
I regret that now. Not because I shouldn’t have been upset, but because I let it ruin would could have been a fun weekend with my husband and instead spent it in bed pouting.

I like to think that I’ve gotten better at this. But I know I still have a long way to go. My periods of anger grow shorter and my acceptance comes sooner.
If I believe that I serve a good God, then I know he has a plan for me. I also know it may look nothing like what I think I want for my life.
I get to decide if I want to grow more confident in his love for me, or become resentful and bitter. I want to choose to grow.