Finding Quiet in Unquiet Days

Earlier this year I signed my kids up for a three-hour horse club/class half an hour from home. While I did it for them, I also did it for me. Because for three hours I sat alone in my car. I could read, I could write, sometimes I cried or just stared into space. I actually managed to finally finish editing my devotional manuscript. It was the most regular quiet I had had in the last year in a half.

One of the sacrifices of homeschooling (which for the most part I actually love and is a great fit for our kids) is that I rarely get much time to myself and certainly not quiet time. The events of the last year and a half have exacerbated this. There are times when I genuinely wonder if I’ll ever have another complete thought.

After two months of that class, my kids decided they were done, and I really miss that quiet time. I have not handled this lack of recharge very well. I’ve definitely been cranky and short with my kids. As we struggle to find a new summer balance, I have to do a lot of reminding and enforcing, and that kind of regular confrontation saps my energy. I struggle to find creative focus which I resent at times which then feeds back into my shortness with them. I’m not proud of it, but that’s where we are at right now.

While we are officially done with school for the year, there definitely isn’t much quiet around here. This time last year I was looking forward to fall and all the things we had planned for that. Then it all went away, so now I find myself cautious about looking ahead. This time last year I had to find ways to create my own spaces to recharge, even if they weren’t really quiet or if I have to simulate silence with earbuds and instrumental music.

The clock is counting down and I feel like I only have a few more years to do some important character-building and parenting in these children of mine. The tasks feel insurmountable. But in my quiet moments before I drift off to sleep I try to remind myself that I am not in this alone. They can learn to hear the same still small voice that guides me daily. They can learn to experience inner peace, even when the world is in chaos.

I wish I could just give it to them by osmosis or infusion. But all I can do is hope they see it in me, better caught than taught, and I still have a long way to go.