Lonely But Not Alone

I don’t feel lonely as often as most people. I like being alone. It gives me time to do what I want to do without having to consult anyone else. Spending time with myself allows me to better reassess my own thoughts, emotions and goals. I am a great example of the introverted truth that in solitude I am least alone. But eventually I do like to be with people. Motherhood is a strange kind of lonely. I am rarely, if ever alone. Yet I do feel lonely, isolated from adult contact. When I’m with other moms our kids are usually there too. Sometimes we talk about things that really matter to us, but mostly we have superficial conversations peppered with interruptions for drinks, snacks, bandaids and general whining. I love spending time with my husband but the few hours a day my kids are not awake (which seems to be fewer and fewer these days), he is there. Even if we sit quietly, I feel the weight of his presence, of the expectations that come with having another human being in the room who deserves my attention and consideration. Sometimes I just want to be alone. It’s amazing that I can feel so lonely without ever actually having solitude. How do I find a balance between those rare times of solitude and the desire to commune with others sans children? As an introvert I am the kind of person who can, and in fact should, be alone to feel myself, yet not feel lonely. As an introverted mom to active children, I am still lonely for the companionship of like minds and engaged conversation, just never alone.

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