Not in Kansas Anymore: When Life Looks Like Oz

It was my birthday last Friday. I spent most of the day so depressed I could barely get out of bed, let alone write. I eventually managed to make it to my scheduled dinner out with my husband, and it was a nice night. But overall, not a great day. For some reason I had some kind of mental block around my birthday.

It’s not an issue of unrealistic expectations for the day, it’s more the feeling that this day is all I get. That somehow I’m supposed to just keep trudging along and society (and my family) will throw me a bone twice a year on Mother’s Day and my birthday. I didn’t know how to explain to my children that I don’t want to be special one day a year, I want to be acknowledged and appreciated on more of the other days.

But there is something about birthdays that can cause us to look at our lives and wonder if we measure up. There has been so much upheaval and transition during the last few years that sometimes I’m not even sure where I am. Birthdays can provide a signpost for us to measure how far we’ve come and to stop and look around at the place we find ourselves.

I may not recognize my life today but that is both good and bad. Yes, we still have debt. I hate saying that out loud and writing it down because it’s both embarrassing and distressing. I didn’t think this would be my life and just a year ago we saw the potential to be debt free on the horizon. Medical bills and job loss changed all that. Sometimes I become so obsessed with it that I’m torn between hyper-frugality and giving up altogether in a spendthrift fury.  But when I take my eyes off that goal, good as it is, I’m more able to see all that I have to be grateful for.

We also have a home that fits our family’s needs that we can actually afford. We have three beautiful children who are intelligent and loving, despite all of their challenges. My husband and I have been married for yearly sixteen years, most of them happily though not always easily. I’m proud of that fact, it took hard work and we are still working at it.

My kids and I have been reading a children’s illustrated edition of Pilgrim’s Progress together. They aren’t really getting all the nuances of the story, but it’s been fascinating for me. I may not have a yellow brick road to follow, but I know I’m headed for the Celestial City. I may be surrounded by munchkins, (some of whom also morph into the Wicked Witch more often then I’d like) but my burden has been lifted at the place of Deliverance.

We just read this past week about Christian walking the thin path of light between the two chained lions. The lions may snarl and strain at their chains, but if he stays on the path, they cannot touch him. I may not recognize this life I have today, but that doesn’t mean it will always look this way. The struggles I face today will fall away in turn, no doubt to be replaced by others, but I will be granted the strength to face those just as I have been these.

I may not be in Kansas anymore, but where I’m headed is so much more than the Emerald City.  Even if I may need frequent reminders, I choose to look towards it with excitement and joy.