Thirteen months. That’s how long it took my daughter to sleep through the night. It was one the worst and most terrifying things I’ve gone through.
At the time it felt like it would never end. I walked through each day in a sleep deprived fog and nursed her half the night just to keep her quiet so that her father could sleep.
The man I was still desperately in love with who I was watching slip away, losing his battled with depression. The stress of new parenthood plus lack of sleep was not kind to him. He went from being a happy and involved father who was totally in love with his little girl to believing he had nothing to offer the world or her. He thought he’d failed her when he had barely started.
I honestly didn't know if we'd survive it all as an intact family. Click To TweetBut we did survive.
She finally learned to sleep. Though I still had to forcibly wean her, which was painful both emotionally and physically. We spent many nights lying on the floor next to her bed and hours sitting next to her at bed time until she feel asleep on her own. It was excruciating. The transition from up two or three times a night to sleeping through the night virtually every night took less than a month.
At the time it felt like forever.
Soon after my husband’s medication finally began to work, he was finally breaking through and within three months we were happier than I thought possible.
When I look back, I remember the pain and the fear but without the sharp edges, as the memories soften with time. But the struggles of today feel all too acute. Even though we survived that battle, almost exactly eight years ago, the present difficulties feel worse somehow.
How easy it is to forget.
I am not promised ease in this life. I may have to part with my money, my dreams or my vision of the life I was going to have. But I am never without a rescuer. Click To TweetI’ll admit I have those same feelings of doubt that I had then. I spent each night begging my daughter to sleep and praying my husband wouldn’t be completely consumed by his depression. Every night I ached for the dawn to arrive. Bleary eyed as I might have been, things always seemed easier in the light.
I know the dawn is coming. So I whisper my prayers into the darkness and wait.
good words these. Good word indeed. Didn’t take my lad quite as long… but it was hard even then.
Bethany, I wish I had but a fraction of your strength and faith! I think you’re awesome.
Andrew, you give me more credit than I deserve. I don’t feel strong. But I have to keep going for the sake of the people who depend on me. I know you can relate to that sentiment.
With a five month old I can totally relate. I had some major medical problems after delivery so a lot of responsibility and stress fell on my husband. He struggled down the road of anxiety with me as we feared for my own life and now that things are seeming well we are walking beside each other exhausted. I know soon we will receive the rest we need so desperately. Thanks for the reminder that the dark days will come to an end.
Bethany, thank you for sharing your story here. It is beautiful how God works in and through those dark seasons of the soul. You’re so right, sometimes pain feels jagged and sharp. It’s good for us to remember how God’s light shone into the dark places in the past. Because, as long as we draw breath here, we will be in dark places again. I’m so glad your husband was able to find the right meds for the depression. And that your daughter began sleeping through the night.
Beautiful words and thoughts today.