The last few months have been a series of hard conversations. Conversations about racism that is the underpinning of our society. Discussions about the role of government in national crisis, or the quelling of civil unrest. I’ve never seen such a flurry of social media opinions ranging from the scientific to the social.
Everyone’s nerves are especially on edge, due to the confinement and additional stress of the national and worldwide group trauma that is COVID19.
I hate that we have to have these conversations on social media instead of over coffee. I don’t like generalities, I want specifics. I don’t want to lump together every person of color I know and assume they all have the same reaction or want/expect the same response.
But want I want most of all, is for us to all stay in the room.
I was harkening back to the post from Anne Bogel at Modern Mrs. Darcy called The Discipline of Staying in the Room. She was talking about being present. Right now, I wish this was literal instead of metaphor. I wish I could embrace and hold the hands of those who are suffering. That isn’t allowed right now for so many reasons.
But I can choose to remain in the conversation and invest in relationships, even when it’s awkward, or uncomfortable. Madeine L’Engle said that compassion is particular, it is never general. We cannot feel true, lasting compassion for a faceless other. That means if we want to change the world we have to be willing to cultivate and maintain relationships with those who are different from us.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have anything in common, most friendships are based on something. But it can be based on anything from proximity (the same neighborhood, or school) to shared religious faith or similar interests.
We can unite based on what we have in common while still celebrating the ways we are different.
But to do this, we have to be willing to stay in the room. Even when we have no words and the only action available is a tearful embrace.
I will stay in the room with you, an embrace can say more than words at time – a fellow fmfer x
There are some things you really wouldn’t want to cover in conversation. Being Asian, I find myself uncomfortable around white people for several reasons, one outlined below.
Their faces held chiche’d respect:
“Are all you Asians good at math?”
I looked back, reaction checked:
“Do white folk ever take a bath?
Maybe it’s your hygeine,
or maybe it’s the food you eat;
you, to me, smell real unclean
like a bunch of too-old meat.”
I’m sorry that I feel that way;
maybe I should just hold my nose,
but it’s my way or the highway,
and that, my friends, is how it goes
’till we are washed quite clean of sin,
and given new and holy skin.
Ah, sorry…first line of the sonnet, should have been “cliche’d respect”
Visiting as your FMF neighbor. I’ll stay in the room with you too. We can unite based on what we have in common while still celebrating the ways we are different.
Beautiful. I’ve recently made a connection with a friend who is different from me on the outside; we have different races and religions. We remarked early in conversation that the world tells us we shouldn’t be friends, but we saw the similarities of what is on the inside. I love getting to know her, and I hope more people have similar experiences.
Yes! So much THIS: “ We can unite based on what we have in common while still celebrating the ways we are different.”
I am taking your post to heart. My daughter and I are assembling a small group of people who are willing to stay in the room. We are starting a conversation on racism and I’m praying we’re all up to the challenge. I’m encouraged after reading your post. Thank you.
I’m still figuring out how this looks in my own life. Glad you were encouraged and inspired!