Family, Five Minute Friday, Parenting, Writing

Tired But Not Defeated: Where I Turn 35

March 8, 2018 by Bethany 13 Comments

 

Tired doesn’t begin to cover it. I can blame hormones, the random incidents of small children up in the night or the long wait for my daughter’s biopsy results (They said no longer than a week, it’s been six days), but there really is no other way to put it.  I’m spent. Lately it feels as though so much of the world hangs on me. I have supportive husband and local family who help out but so much still falls to me. I’m the mom: the appointment maker, the teacher, home coordinator, taxi driver, laundry washer and house cleaner.

When I sit to write the words don’t come. They do at times, but my fingers are too weak to bring them to the page, the fatigue dulling their normally fleet movements and wreaking havoc on accuracy.  The more I feel, the harder it can be to put it in ways that make sense, and sometimes I feel forced to put away the laptop and let sleep overtake me, feeling as though I have lost my voice.

Today I’m 35 years old, and I can’t quite accept it. I feel like I’m still young but I know that 35 is the official end of youth and the beginning of the middle age. Weight is harder to lose. Sleep is more necessary. I don’t have the stamina to make it through days on little sleep and lots of stress the way I used to.  I’m caught between satisfaction and desire. I am not disappointed with my life, yet there is so much more I want. Sometimes I feel trapped by the incessant needs of my children and yet I know this what I was made for.

I want to feel anchored by not hemmed in, rooted but not stagnant. Click To Tweet

I want to feel anchored by not hemmed in, rooted but not stagnant. I try to remind myself that children grow up and that maybe things will be better down the road, and yet not entirely believing it. But for now, I choose to celebrate today. I went to dinner with my difficult, beautiful, not quite normal children and it wasn’t awful. Tomorrow I’m throwing myself a small party of friends with frozen apps from Sam’s Club and some board games. I’m not any good at parties and my house won’t be perfectly clean or decorated. I’m doing it anyway.  I may be tired, but I refuse to be defeated.