Weighed and Measured But Never Found Wanting: Recognizing My Worth

I’m a concrete person who likes check boxes and definitions. I used to define my life by what I had accomplished and what I had to show for my time and effort. Then I became a parent.

I could talk about how in stay-at-home parenting the work is never done, and the dishes and laundry pile up. My grandmother used to tell my father “It’s all just diapers and dishes.” She didn’t have a very happy view of motherhood. But then she also had three boys in very short succession and I think she probably had undiagnosed depression as well.  But that’s actually not what I was thinking about. I was thinking about how we measure the worth of a life.

My children are precious to me. They may make me want to remove my ears and question my sanity in becoming a parent, but I would also give my life for them. I was thinking today about how my three year old’s smile is the most beautiful thing in the world to me. He currently has eczema all around his mouth, so he’s not exactly a pretty picture. For a while I actually wondered if my children are just more attractive than most and then I realized, when it comes to children, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. They will always be beautiful to me regardless of their actual physical appearance.

Now I hope I will be objective enough to give them actual fashion or style advice should they ask me. But that doesn’t mean it will change the way I look at them. Maybe it’s a bit like how a couple who are long married realize they have physically changed over time and yet the other person appears to remain the same.

I am a child too.

It’s easy for me to forget this. When I measure what I am worth against my check list mentality, I often fall short. But when I look at my little boy with his gap toothed smile, or tickle my nearly ten year old daughter until she giggles like she used to, I realize that God sees me with the same unchanging eyes of parenthood.

We can all be that child. We can be recipients of those tender gazes from heaven. But we must remember what we are worth. Our lives are not to be taken lightly, nor treated  cheaply. We are each fashioned not by accident but by design, and the love extended to us cannot be lost.

When I find myself doubting my worthiness to be loved or questioning whether my life is worthwhile, I need only look into my child’s eyes, and see myself. Eager to be loved and accepted, and knowing she is.