When You Accept Not Knowing What Comes Next

I’m a list girl, a planner girl, someone who likes to know what comes next. The last six months have been a lesson in trust for me.

I have barely written for the last two months. Somewhere in the holiday vortex, I lost my focus and as I crawled out shortly after New Year’s I found myself unable to formulate concrete goals. How can I set goals or make plans when I don’t know where my life will be a month or two from now?

Because the journey to living by faith is less glamorous than I’d like to admit. For every day filled with peace another is shrouded in worry. For every thought I take captive, another holds me fast. I honestly have no idea how I’ve made it this far, except perhaps with grace and mercy as the rod and staff that rescue and guide me.

I’ve lived life in limbo. I’m had to accept transition. But this living one hour, one day at a time, and actually doing it, not just saying it is something new for me.  I’ll be praying “I need thee every hour” not as a matter of phase, but a new lifestyle.  I know this is an important and healthy step in my spiritual growth, but part of me is terrified.

I’m slowly growing accustomed to making all lists in pencil (at least metaphorically) and keeping all of my plans flexible. But I have yet to let go completely, and just go with the flow. I’m trying, but I can’t seem to fully release my grip  and allow myself to rush with the current. I’m too afraid of missing my landing.

In a season where my aspirations are huge and my resources are small I’ve had to settle for a simple trickle of words. When circumstances dam the stream, just letting a little bit flow through keeps me from feeling completely staunched.  (Thank goodness for Five Minute Friday to keep my creative juices running.) I have no impressive goals for how I’m going to launch my next book, grow my blog and increase my social media reach.