Having faith is something I want to have, but the process of building it is rarely pleasant. Most of us want life to go well. We don’t want to suffer through loss and disappointment. But those are also the times we grow the most.
In her last public Facebook message before she died, my dear friend with cancer quoted lines from the song Oceans by United.
She talked about what we are really saying when we sing that song. We are basically giving God permission to wreck our lives, to knock us off our feet and take us places we would never choose on our own. Then she talked about all the amazing things God had done through her life because of her cancer. I remember thinking that her attitude was amazing and I couldn’t imagine feeling the same way in her situation.
I have not been faced with that kind of challenge, but I am also not unfamiliar with loss. As my husband enters month four of unemployment, I find myself both at peace and yet plagued by doubt. When you are married to someone who struggles with mental illness, crisis often brings out the super hero. I don’t meant that in a good way. Many times of the last few months I’ve found myself trying to do everything, be everything and provide solutions to every problem. But I can’t fix this and even if I could, I’m not supposed to.
Even as our family is being provided for from the most unexpected of sources, I still find myself battling with uncertainty. We’ve come this far, farther than I ever thought we could. I used to say that God has never provided for us through random envelopes of cash. I can’t say that anymore. While it hasn’t been anonymous, in just the past week alone I’ve had envelopes of money pushed into my hands.
It's hard to deny God's provision when it's splayed in dollar bills between your fingers. And yet, I find myself praying 'I want to believe, Lord, help my unbelief.' Click To TweetBecause I believe he is good, but I don’t know what the end result of all of this will be. For my husband’s sake, I want the outcome to be a job that’s a good fit, with a good wage. But I’m not always confident that is what God has in mind, nor whether my husband can cope with that possibility. Sometimes God doesn’t give us what we want because he has something better. But I’ve also learned that God’s definition of better rarely looks like mine.
When you can’t touch the bottom is when you really learn to swim. We’ve been treading water for a while, and if I look at the calendar, it’s easy to start to flounder. But I also know that I have enough for today, tomorrow and the week after that. Beyond that I can’t be certain, but then we never can. So I choose to swim, keeping my eyes on the horizon rather than the shore. One more stroke, one more breath, believing, hoping that the strength I need will be there when I reach for it.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
This was so good! I am parenting children with a mental illness, so I can relate a little bit. I found you from the FMF link up and I’m glad I did! Thank you for giving me something to reflect on today.
My children don’t have mental illness, but my older two have some neurological challenges that can certainly be wearing. I’m so glad you stopped by!
Bethany, I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. She sounds like a remarkable woman. Praise God for how He is revealing himself as Provider for you and your family. This post compels me to acknowledge areas of my own life that need to be surrendered to the perfect will of God. Thank you for sharing. Blessing to you and your family.
Chrystal, I miss her often. She lived far away for the last couple of years, so it’s easy to forget she’s gone sometimes. But she taught so many of us so much.
So much hope in that song! It’s amazing how people show up.
Aww. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I totally get the superhero mode :/ I did that when Pedro had cancer. It’s hard to shed the cape. Praying the God continues to provide, comfort, and teach you through this experience.
Yes, being a superhero is so tempting. I’ve found it’s just another way for me to avoid trusting God. But I’m not responsible for fixing all of my family’s problems, ultimately we are all in God’s hands.
Thanks for sharing, I can relate to much of this… It’s amazing how we can feel so alone in our challenges and then get a glimpse into other people’s lives with similar struggles.