Finite vs. Infinite: Serving a God of Provision

I stand at the grocery store check out tallying numbers in my head and yet continually surprised by the total.  I look over the items and see all too few. Gluten free bread, coconut flour, soy yogurt, apples, kale; certainly not junk, but expensive all the same. Just when the grocery shopping was becoming easier to do again and I had more wiggle room in my budget, we get hit with the Celiac diagnosis.

While it is a bit of a relief to finally have potential answers for my daughter, it is leading to a much higher grocery budget and a lot of wasted food as we figure out what our daughter can eat and also will eat. (Did I mention she was already my pickiest eater?)

When I first opted to stay home after our first child was born, we weren’t sure how we were going to make ends meet. I made it work by streamlining our grocery budget and doing virtually everything from scratch. We ate less meat, frozen veggies instead of fresh, and if it came in a box, we stopped buying it. I made my own homemade sandwich bread for my husband’s lunches with various levels of success. He was very understanding that by the end of the week it was a tad stale and of all the resulting crumbles and crumbs.

When we added a second child to our home, this one with a dairy allergy, I had to adjust again. I made even more things from scratch including learning how to make soy yogurt in the crock pot. But my grocery bill still expanded to include luxury items like vegan cheese (yes, that’s a thing) and various non-dairy milks. There was a brief window when my son stopped nursing that he would only drink hemp milk, to the tune of $4 a quart.

By the time baby number three came along we were homeschooling, preparing to move and there were days I was barely keeping my head above water. Our financial situation had somewhat improved so I was able to buy premade soy yogurt, store bought bread and even frozen pizza and chicken fingers for those nights when I just couldn’t summon the energy to make dinner on my own.

But now we start again. I find myself staring at boxes of gluten free granola bars and other packable snacks, knowing I could do it myself, if only I was sure my attempts would be accepted. I think about how many loaves of regular bread I could buy for the cost of one gluten free loaf. I find myself praying that my daughter would just eat fruits, veggies and meat like the rest of the family so I don’t have to keep buying all these packaged products which, gluten free or not, barely qualify as food.

For years we depended on God because we had no other choice. Now, though our financial resources have increased, so have our expenses and I find myself clinging to the continual supply line of the heavens, trusting that in the end somehow all will be well. I’d be lying if I said having a bank account that has some money left in it after all the bills are paid doesn’t lessen the stress somewhat, it does. But I’m learning that there is no such thing as “enough” because we are pressed on every side and some things cannot be planned for.

While I know my faith is far from unlimited, I am finding that being forced to trust God for all those years has prepared me for these kind of times.  When the three year old fridge breaks and the repair is as much as the replacement. When the therapy bills flood in and the tax return is smaller than expected. When we put down a deposit on the the new school for the kids because we firmly believe it is the best option for them, without the cash upfront knowing we have until August to raise the tuition.

I am in no way advocating poorly thought out financial decisions, but I have learned that there is always an element of faith in any decision that involves my bank account. My resources, as large or small as they may be, are always finite. But I serve an infinite God whose provision is limitless.