Growing Better, Not More Worthy

I always find myself assessing my life around the beginning of the new year. Maybe it’s because I want each year to be better than the one before. While there is nothing wrong with having goals, for me there is a danger as I look back at the previous year and only see where I am found wanting.

I want to be better wife, mother, daughter, friend, writer and Christian. There is so much that I want to accomplish in this world that when I look back at the past year it’s easy for all I did achieve to look like little or nothing by comparison.

I am someone who often thrives on excellence and focus. If I can’t do something to a certain standard, it’s difficult for me to do it. I have to have a reasonable likelihood of success before I’m going to make an attempt. Again, a desire for excellence isn’t bad, but it puts all the focus on my skill and endurance and none on the value of the attempt itself.

If I had waited until I was confident I could be a perfect parent I wouldn’t have had children, or at least certainly not a second (and third child). I can look at the ways I aspire to be a better parent while still acknowledging my successes.

I think the root of the whole thing may be, why am I so obsessed with growth and improvement? Certainly growth is healthy and necessary but the drive to be better, smacks of a need to prove myself. My best will never be good enough, that’s why I need Jesus. That doesn’t mean that I don’t continue striving to be more like him.

Even my limited and woefully inadequate efforts will bring me further than I am right now and God graciously meets me where I am.

Life doesn’t have to be all or nothing. In fact it can’t be. I cannot give up being a wife in order to put all the energy behind being the perfect mother. I cannot simply walk away from or outsource all of my parenting in an effort to become the best possible Christian I want to be. That is not how the process works. It’s all connected.

As I work towards becoming a less angry mother, I find I can also be a better friend. As I prioritize my spiritual growth, I find my marriage grows stronger. As I develop a regular writing habit, I find I can take more joy in my children. We don’t grow in just one areas at a time. We are constantly becoming better.