Longing for Safety, Settling for Order

I like order, structure, calendars, lists, and schedules. Not so much because I have to have it, as because my life generally functions so much better when I do.

As a creative person, that often seems antithetical to the kind of structure I thrive on, but I’ve come to accept that it’s part of how I’m made. It’s not a good or bad thing (though it comes with strengths and weaknesses), it simply is. But I’m also learning that my need for order can simply be a cover for a deeper unmet need.

I often joke with my family that I don’t need to be in charge but I need to have confidence that whoever is knows what they are doing. That’s become less of a joke during the last year when it seemed like in no area of my life did anyone seem to have a clue.

I found myself trying to create order from chaos in my own life as a substitute for control. I designed chore lists and enforced responsibilities because it felt like the only tool I had. My children actually began to believe that the most important thing to me was a clean house.

There is nothing wrong with liking your world orderly. But I realize that I need to cultivate feelings of safety more. Things are always moving towards chaos and disorder. Order only creates temporary satisfaction. But remembering who I belong to, and that I am safe and loved, creates in me a sense of peace.

I think in some ways my grownup needs aren’t all that different from my childhood ones: safety, security, and love.

I have a Father who loves me and who holds the fate of the galaxy, the world, my nation, my family, and me; all in his all-powerful gentle hands. He spoke order out of chaos and I am safe with him.