I grow weary of being the linchpin, the load bearing wall and the rudder. Some of this is just part of being a parent. It is also something that comes with being married to someone who struggles with depression, and being involved in ministry. But it can be exhausting in the most soul crushing ways.
To wake up in the morning and know that until you get going, nothing will happen. To answer the same question multiple times by email and in person (sometimes to different people but often the same ones repeatedly). Delegating desperately while still knowing that in the end it will all fall on me.
On my good days, I can hand it to Jesus and just do the next thing. But on the bad ones . . . it’s not that easy. I have to resist the urge to hide in my screen or my work. To give the kids a screen day and lose myself in a good book, or knitting and a Netflix binge.
I know in my head that it doesn’t all depend on me, but in daily practice it feels like the opposite. I’m entering a season where the primary discipline I’ll be working on is one of surrender. Handing over responsibilities whenever possible and learning not to feel guilty about it. Releasing things that I simply haven’t the strength for and trusting that things will be OK. Prioritizing moments of peace even as the work seems to pile up, so I can reconnect with the source of my strength and be renewed. As they all depend on me, I must depend on him.
“Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.”
-Helen Howarth Lemmel (1863-1961)