The last few weeks haven’t been easy ones in my house. My daughter is going through a particularly difficult phase where she whines and demands all day long. I’m in my last two months of pregnancy and it seems like one thing after another has gone wrong. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes back in December and now I’m told that my baby is in a transverse position rather than head down. Getting him to move may be a challenge if not impossible. I’ve begun seeing a chiropractor again for several hip and back pain, which is helpful but expensive.
I find myself thinking that if one more thing goes wrong I don’t know how I’ll stand it. I so desperately want this child to be born safely (preferably sans surgery) and bring him home so that everyone will stop bugging me. I feel like all I do is check my blood sugar, eat, exercise, and go to doctor’s appointments. I’m also back to working part time which has meant several hours a day of computer work on top of everything else that needs to be done. Occasionally I go into the office for the day as well which means procuring childcare and when I come home I am so completely drained that I can’t get much else done.
On top of this I’m trying to keep up with my blogging, work intermittently on my novel, make sure that everything is ready for the baby and try to keep the house from falling down around my ears. My poor husband is trying his best to help but who wants to come home after a long day at work to an irritable toddler, an emotionally unstable and very pregnant wife and a house that is one step away from a complete disaster area at all times. If he’s lucky there might be dinner but the dishes are probably piled a foot out of the sink and all over the counter.
For some reason I thought this would be a good time to try and organize my home and attempt to read and implement the methods of Get Things Done. (The irony of the title is not lost on me). My husband is trying to finish the second draft of his novel before the baby comes, which I appreciate. In fact this weekend he plans to read his entire manuscript of over 300 pages. I’m proud of him, but I keep wondering how I’ll make it through the weekend without his usual support. I need him more now than ever. I’m lucky if I get through the day without a major emotional breakdown, let alone get anything done.
Why can’t I be Super Mommy? Why can’t I entertain my daughter during the day without resorting to TV and still actually get things done? (Not to mention the fact that when the TV does go off my daughter throws the mother of all tantrums that lasts for half an hour or longer. Which is why I rarely let her watch TV) Why can’t I keep my kitchen clean for more than 10 minutes? Why can’t my pregnancy just go smoothly for these last few weeks? Sometimes I feel like I should take up gambling since I keep beating the odds on everything in the last year (odds of miscarriage, odds of gestational diabetes, odds of severe SI joint pain, odds of breech/transverse baby. All that’s left are odds of being GBS positive, odds of requiring non-stress tests, odds of c-section and a whole list of other horrible things for which the odds of occurrence are so low that we usually don’t pay attention to them. I feel like I keep winning the lottery that no one wants to win and I don’t remember asking to play). Sometimes I want to take every item in my house and throw it out in the backyard (especially dishes, paperwork waiting to be filed and my daughter’s toys) so I don’t have to look at them anymore.
I recognize that a lot of these feelings are related to the hormonal changes that occur in the last trimester, but that doesn’t make it much easier to cope. I see other women around me who seem to be managing much better. But this past week has confirmed to me (as if I didn’t know already), that I am definitely no Super Mommy.